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Subscribe to This (Sex)

What is the one thing we all want and we all need? It’s something many think about every day, especially on the Internet. Yes, I knew readers as intelligent as you, would guess. I feel we’re on the same wavelength and by saying what I’m referring to will only cause you to drift from me in mistrust and possible heroin usage. But, I must say, what we all need and want is – to be heard. We may say we want to feel a sense of community – that’s a diplomatic way to say “Listen to me.” Which brings me to the title of this selection.

Sometimes on the Internet when people want to be heard in their community they may use the word “sex”. I will tell you that this has nothing to do with sex. I had only planned on asking people to subscribe via the button on the right. The word “sex” seemed like a good way to get people to read this far. I will probably never write a story about or with sexual tension. I don’t even anticipate using the words “heaving” and “breasts” together. I’m fairly certain that I will never even require the word “heaving” on its own. Even if an event occurred where I needed to articulate someone “heaving garbage over a cliff”, I might prefer to say, ” with hemorrhaging muscles she mightily catapulted the rodent chewed grot into the rock hole.”

In actuality, what I have accomplished thus far is alienating some of my readers by putting “sex”in the title. I have also bid goodbye to those reading because of the word “sex” in the title. Using the word “grot” is a sure-fire way to sign off anyone interested in the intrigue that may accompany the word “sex”.

So, here I am, once again writing for myself and my vast readership of 12 subscribers. I have my pulpit and my 12 disciples. Hold up there buddy, kind reader might say if kind reader were still reading. You can’t allude to being a minister AND Jesus.  And you definitely can’t talk about Jesus only a paragraph away from sex talk. But, let’s be straight. I didn’t do any sex talk. I just said the word. And just because I have 12 subscribers and I refer to them as disciples, that doesn’t mean I’m comparing myself to Jesus. Last time I checked, Jesus didn’t write a story a week that nobody subscribed to. Actually, he had a writing team and is always looking for new subscribers. I wonder how Jesus would do if he had a button on the right of the page where people could simply enter their email, then sit back and watch their prayers be answered. I bet he could get some readers by offering a free iPad to all new subscribers.

Ok. Paragraph five. Everyone should be gone by now. Why are you still here? I wish I had a link here that could distract you and take you to the latest Lindsey Lohan story. I know you don’t really care about her, but once in a while everyone needs to know if Lindsey Lohan is in jail or if Lindsey Lohan is a lesbian – again.

Back to paragraph four, where I mentioned that you can be a subscriber. We live in a big bad world and we must remain guarded. We are all very, very busy people and can only ingest so much information at a time. With this in mind I now have reconsidered and ask, no wait, beg that you do not subscribe to this weekly dribble. I know, I know, you say what harm can come of it. All that happens is I get this grot (if it works, stick with it) emailed to me once a week. The list of subscribers is too insignificant to be sold to any sane organization. And why not take an old-fashioned chance and trust that it will be ok. After all, I’m already on Facebook being data mined like a hillbilly violated by an alien probe. Over to the right I can become clean and whole again by subscribing to Stay at Home Sad.

Well, I guess maybe I do want you to subscribe – and listen to me. What’s really in it for you? I can promise to not send you pictures of that delightful plate of honey braised lamb shanks before (or after) I eat them. I promise not to send any pictures of my food or videos of my food sizzling. Women, I promise to leave Pinterest and, on my way out, take as many men off as I can (everyone knows men are ruining Pinterest). I vow to try to make the stories a bit shorter with 20% more funny stuff in the middle. And above all, in a purely commercial attempt at growing my readership I plan to use the word “sex” more often. Please subscribe (sex) now by plugging in your email on the right, then confirming the email that is sent to you. Easy peasy. Oh, and I promise to never use that phrase again.

Sadly yours,

Jason Spafford

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